:(

Well,

I had a great day today. However it was topped with a little bit of a bummer. I called Jimmy but he was to busy to talk to me. :( I am really hating this. Being so far away feels like I have a fatal round of heartbreak. Everyday I wake up wondering if he will call. Knowing that he loves me so much and yet still hoping that we are poor.

talking about KCC breaks my heart. I have been pushed out of KCC because they say Jimmy was a bad idea. The did not support me from the start. They don't like the idea of meeting the right person on a missions trip...IT'S NOT LIKE I PLANNED THIS! or was ever looking for it on this trip. I was looking for God. I found God. Then God sent me a husband. And KCC did not like the husband. I didn't care. Jimmy was and is sent to me from God. God promised I would find a husband by the end of this year if i would seek him. Well I was busy seeking him and I found Jimmy. I don't understand WHY KCC thinks i went wrong when LOVE was shown and given.

Great part of my day was receiving a phone call from IRENE saying BABY GIRL I'm at Walmart come get me!!! :D She's sitting in my room right now!

Well.

God bless.

quite a little big move

Well I have come to a point in my life when I have said " God, I will go!" and he has chosen me to reach out physically to the poor and hungry. And to the widows and the orphans. To get married is awesome it's certainly what I want. That is the reason I'm going. The sub reasons I am going out weigh the main reason. To bring the hope of the nation Jeasu into every home. 3 months will soon go by quickly as I expect them to. As planned I will leave the country and possibly never return. This as expected is going to be hard, unexpected is the level of difficulty. My heart aches as I see my mother cry. She's so afraid that she will never see me again. I've embraced this painful thought and I hate it. The hug of a mother is far more comforting than that of even the most wonderful husband! In 109 days I will get on a plane and get off 2 days later in what will become my new home for the rest of my life. I am very scared I will admit that but there is not a doubt in my mind about this! To God be the glory and may his will be done in my life!

owned

Today as I sat at work this guy came in and began to talk to me his smell was dirty urine and booz. His eyes were a cool color of green, they were darting around the room as if he were checking out the store yet still stairing at me. He asked me how business was and his breath reeked of alcohol and morning breath. He was wearing three jackets and each of them were dirt. The bottom was a thick sweater and followed by a Jean jacket and on the top layer he wore a filthy, what used to be grey, winter jacket. The man looked into my eyes and talked directly to me. As his eyes continued to meet mine I could feel a spirit of fear enter the room. It made my heart beat faster and my pupils dialate. As soon as the man left I felt a fear in me. Right away I rebuked it! Laughed in it's face and said. Silly spirit of fear... You can't get me like that.... I'm wearing the armor of God! You can't break it it's thicker than the mountains. He's made it unbreakable and unshakable! You just got powned newbcake!

Visions and Dreams

A dream I had last night. It's about a girl from the last school we performed "The Decision" in. This girl was the same girl that I had a prophetic vision for when we were at the school.


It was confusing. She told me to follow her and so i did through the slum and around buildings and through these strange hallways. And then she began to run and we came to a stop at the edge of a stream. She said this is not safe for a mzungu so she took mud from the water and rubbed it all over me and grabbed my hand and we went across the water and there was a wall with glass on the top....
and then she jumped and cut her hands but broke the glass so there was a safe place to climb. We got over the fence and there was a small house and she brought me inside. She told me i was not safe to be there and she hid me....

I was under the table in the corner of the room and I watched as her dad came in and beat her. I sat and cried. I did as i was instructed. And when he left she lay on the floor a broken bottle laying beside her. He was drunk for sure. I said to the girl come i will find you somewhere to stay without this pain. and She grabbed my hand crying, bleeding and bruised. and we opened the door and it was night when we went in. When we left it was so sunny and warm. and green and beautiful. I let her hand god for a second and her hands had no cuts on them anymore and i looked at her face and there were no bruises and she had a smile on her face. Then I woke up.

Struggles

The struggles of the day seem to have a weight on them this November. As I am constantly reminded of the fact that I have but few people to talk to. People that will actually listen instead of starting their own. I am realizing it so much more as today is the 1 year anniversary of me getting help and my mentor and teacher is nowhere to be found. His mistakes cost him his job. Everyone makes mistakes. I believe in the kingdom of god there is FORGIVENESS! Even for the worst of sins. I'm angry, angry because i feel like it's my fault that this happened. Worst of all Angry because i simply never told anyone and because I still can't tell people something that i shouldn't know.

I spent the day in Prayer(at work). I read through psalms I reread psalms 1-10 today. A friend of mine and I are reading through the psalms. I read and reread how GODS mercy endures forever. As I do I constantly preach at the top of my lungs when i'm sitting in my car. Sometimes I'm in a busy parking lot and I look up and people are looking at me strange. :D "what I was made to be the blackest white girl you ever saw."

Pornography Update: Free from porn 1 week. Free from internet sex(with my hunny) 3 hours. :(

God is Good and HIS mercy ENDURES FOREVER!

Strange.

I am not sure of how to feel about this Hannah Montana phone, that my dad bought me today. Actually I can make it my own phone so it doesn't have Hannah anywhere on it but I'm kinda lovin' it!

Things that happened this week have made me realize that God has HIS plans for us. We might have our own plans but it is best if we follow his. I always use this quote to a friend of mine. "If you don't fight, you won't win!" and Just like this quote if you fight the will of God in your life and plans, then you simply will not win that fight.

I don't know where I'm going with this....Nap time.

Waiting

I have a friend that i talk to everyday. She's smart and funny. She's an amazing woman of God. When an onlooker sees her they see beauty and strength. When I hear her speak about God i see a strong woman. However everyone has weakness. This girl has issues relating to her father. Her father is an abuser of power. He see's her as a weak nobody. OH if HE only knew the power this girl was given. His anger and jealousy cause him to yell and scream at her. She rocks back and forth in her room wondering when will the pain stop? She has 2 choices in my opinion. 1. let her dad bully her and eventually be so depressed that she kills either him or herself. 2. pray for HIM. The power of prayer is far greater than any depression or illness known to man. It reaches to the ear of God and is heard by him. Through the past 36 days she has prayed for her father daily. PROUD TO REPORT NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN HIS MOTHER!(for the good OR BAD) :D Even PROUDER TO REPORT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED IN HER! :D Praise God! Her patience has reached a point of maturity. The way she speaks to people, she has grown more confident. I AM PROUD of HER!

She has taught me a load. How to love my daddy for who he is and enjoy the time i do get to spend with him even if it's just a few minutes everyday! More off, she has taught me that God is the best dad. I might have been the one telling her with my lips but because she needed to hear it God ministered to me also. I LOVE YOU DAD!

Love is forever

So I was at work today and this lady i work with is married to a Jamaican and they have a 2 year old together. He is so cute! :D It makes me excited for when i have kids. Which i constantly bring up with Jimmy. I really want kids. I was made to be a mother. I just need to get married to the LOVE of my life! He's amazing! Understanding to the max! When I'm having a bad day and need him to stay away, he always shows up! :D It makes me happy! Now all who read my blog, turns out that the lady we were expecting for 6 months, it turns out she's only paying us 15% of what was supposed to be paid. So keep this a secret because noone is supposed to know, although i did talk to my parents about this. Jimmy and I are currently looking for real estate to buy in Kenya. :D My good friend Natalia and I will be heading out that way in late April/early may. There's a high chance of us being married out there and me becoming a Kenyan Citizen. WOW! :D That's cool! I hope it happens. Keep us in your prayers!

Addiction

To talk about addiction you have to have been there. Addicted to something. I'm going to talk about my addiction. This addiction is the most difficult in todays society. It's almost normalized. The addiction of pornography. Most people don't think that watching porn more than 1 time per week is an addiction. Technically those people are right. However to keep it at one time per week will take a mass amount of strength and diligence. And while it's "not" an addiction it is still wrong as it says Matthew 5:28, "If a man even looks at a woman with lust he has already committed adultery." I'm sure the same goes for a woman looking at a man with lust. Here's where i fall in. Hi, My name is Lorna and I'm a pornography addict. I have lied, cheated and stolen to get what i want. I don't want that life anymore. I have been clean just 1 week. This week I found out what a pornography addiction can do to a family of believers. Not through my own addiction but through someone fairly close. She lost her job and her left her husband for a bit. Her job affected many people. It woke me up. I was unprepared for this loss of a job in her life and I decided I need to write about my addiction so that i am held accountable by you the viewers of my blog. I have since locked the internet on my ipod and do not know the pass code. The internet on my computer is closely watched by a very good friend of mine. Now in your daily prayers please say one for me. I don't want it to get so bad that i end up like my friend. She was so addicted, it took over. Keep her in your prayers as well.

Happens Everyday!

You were my best friend,

It's not like you to ignore me,

you promised to be there til the end,

you said you'd adore me.

Now I sit here waiting for you,

you were the greatest and the best,

who was it that told you to hate me, who?

I wait here for you to text and you've been put to the test.

If you don't reply a simple, "i miss you too!"

Then i will have to terminate your number,

until you get around to it and you be you,

Am I really that hard to remember?

end abortion

I sit here at work with a simple prayer on my heart today " God we plead the blood over our sins and the sins of our nation. End abortion and send revival to Canada now!" a woman walks in and asks me why I'm wearing a sign that says "LIFE" I tell her "it's for the unborn!" she looks at me with respect and says good for you! Another man passes and frowns at me. I nod at him and he dismisses himself with a shrug. The abortion statistics make my heart sick! May abortion truly end with my generation.

lest forgotten

To think about being at work makes some people feel bitter and tired before they even get there. Today we celebrate the lives of those who gave their whole world up to ensure that our kids and our grand kids would be able to work. Safe. In today's society many people remember to get a poppy but I wonder has the poppy lost it's meaning along the way? Today at 11 we observed a minute of silence at the mall. They announced it over the loudspeaker. I watched silently as people walked by talking loudly to each other. I watched as respect for the fallen dissipated and people wearing poppies forgot why they wore them. I wonder do you remember why you wear a poppy? Is it a fashion statement? Or as you walk to your vehicle do you remember why you're not dead before you get there? Or as you're on your computer do you remember how you're able to read this in peace? Do you?do you remember?

bloggin ipods

I am sitting here typing with one finger. I'm thinking today about love. Why does love cause division? Shouldn't love unite people? In theory I believe it! In reality this idea is false! Love only tears relationships limb from limb! Some people are especially blessed to have a mentor in their live that completely disowns them! This mentor might even call them a prodigal daughter or son! A few leaders might comment on the race of the couple. They will say it is a hard relationship. They will be right but only because them and others not supporting this love. There will be a sweet little old lady a walmart greeter. She will tell this couple that their love is beautiful! She will support them in their decision to be in love! Their parents won't agree with it at first but they'll see how happy he makes her and end up in support! This couple will have to put fire after fire! They will know how and they will stay true to God! Their battle is not against flesh and blood but against all forces of evil! They will say to these people, " we're only us when we're together! We were made for eachother! So stick it if you're going to oppose!" This couple are like "yes" and " no" you can't have one without the other!

another day of jouney

Haha!

today I was at work and skyping Jimmy because there were no customers. He brought the computer into a dark room and introduced me to a bunch of white teeth. :D It's all i could see these guys were so black i could only see their teeth. Jimmy, took the computer back into his bedroom with the light on. He talked to me for an hour then returned to his friends. We lead one of his friends to the Lord and gave him relationship advice. Then this evening we talked and sang together and when we hung up....I cried, It's a very difficult day today. It was 5 months of Jimmy and I. I love him more and more moree more more every day!

"For there is love that is as strong as death and jealousy demanding as the grave!"

Quote of the day!

Quote of the day from jimmy...."Baby ua so expensive that ua priceless." :D

I got this while i was at work and I'm so in love with James Mugwe!

Confirmation from God.....I saw 7 yes SEVEN black and white couples today alone!

The proposal

Early in the week last week I was up texting Jimmy at around 5am. Then he phones. Yes at five in the morning. I pick up and I'm quiet as I expect most of my family to sleep through that loud ring. Hello, I say. Jimmy talks quietly to in more of a mocking manner. His voice goes serious. "Lorna, do you think it will be possible for us to spend the rest of our lives working as one unit." And sat for a second thinking about this decision. It's huge. It's kind of a big deal. I say to him. "Jimmy, I think it would be a mistake if i were to answer with anything but YES!" Jimmy says, "That wasn't my proposal." I say, "oh." And Jimmy says "I'm down on one knee. I can't believe I'm doing this. Lorna Wagner will you take me to be your husband.." Without him finishing his sentence I say "YES!" He continues, "I'm not finished yet, Will you take me to be your husband? To marry me and walk through hardships and trials with me? I Love you more than I have ever loved anyone." Once again I say, "Yes, I will walk through trials and hold your hand through hardships. Yes, I will Marry you." He makes a kissing sound on the phone and I make one back. We talk for a bit longer and hang up after saying, "I love you!"

"I love you!"

"I love you more! "

"I love you most!"

"Goodmorning"

"Goodnight"

I am sitting here this morning it's 3:14am and I'm sitting up in my bed. I had a nightmare. I dreamt of being at the Nairobi airport and you were nowhere to be seen. I couldn't find you and the people i talked to didn't speak English and i couldn't ask them in Swahili because all my Swahili went out the window with the panic. As I'm stuck here, it feels dark in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do.

I wake up and that's why I'm sitting here right now. I SMS you to make sure you're still alive and I receive a message and I fall back asleep. Later I wake up and tell you about this dream and your response is " Eishh!! What? the devil is a liar i pray:devil u idiot u hve foothold in my marriage leave my wife alone i rebuke ua evil seed of fear and plant de seed of hope and a future upon our life in Jesus mighty name AMEN!! baby i love you always and even if i have 2 walk 2 Nairobi i will u r mine forever."

I am settled by this but his promise of forever is slightly unsettling. Not even in marriages do they promise forever. Just "until death do us part". We'll see how things go. I want until death do us part.

:D

The question

As I prepare for camp I begin to wonder if it is responsible of me to go to camp. I am a grown up now and I have others to think about. I have a home full of children in Kenya to think about. I have a man in Kenya who is worried about not being able to come to Canada to marry me because of finances. Is it responsible for me to go to camp if i make less than 2000 dollars. I cannot afford that. Do I trust in God now or do I get this job that i have an interview for in two hours. What is the most responsible thing? I think I know. To get the job and work full time all summer long. That is the most responsible thing I can can do as I owe 3 grand and have a house of Children on the other side of the world. How do i let the camp down though? I am so confused why must i have so many decisions. Lord make them for me. I need to hear your voice. Today if i get the job it's no camp for me and if i don't it's camp for me. That's the agreement I'm making and I need you to guide him to hire me or not. That's that!

I love James Mugwe and I want to make decisions with him as well.

-Lorna Wagner.

A Love story

As I look up this adorable black man walks by. He's got diamond earings in his ears and an adorable smile. His hair was dreaded and he looked smart. He waves hello to his friend wearing a navy blue pin striped long sleeved dress shirt. I couldn't contain myself. I said to my Kenyan friend that guy is cute. She, being on a mission to find me a man decides that this man was it. She trotted on after him and only moments later i see them looking up at me. I quickly run out of sight but it's too late she's told him and in front of his friend too. I'm so angry with this girl, Irene, yet still I'm intrigued. I peak around the large white Toyota van and am startled by a man standing there. What do i do now? Where do I go now? I can't just leave he's standing right here. I look up at his face and it's somebody completely different. It's his friend, Jimmy, the guy who had lead us in singing that morning. He smiles down at me and says," So your friend Irene told me you think i'm cute? Is that true you think i'm cute?" All I could think at this point is she told the wrong guy. I say,"sure."

He replies with, "Since you think i'm cute i think you're cute also." I look at him and smile. Maybe Irene did tell the right guy. "where are you staying?"

"Love Mercy." I say. A compound near the fireplace. A church where Jimmy leads worship.

"I'll be by tonight to find you, well to find everyone else too but mainly you." He says with a smile on his face. Inside I just want to scream. This is weird this is just so strange. He walks away and we all pile in the vans. I'm thinking there's no way he's coming tonight.

I pray, "Lord your will be done."

Later that evening I'm sitting with Taia my best friend, a growth to my hip :D, when all of a sudden in walks Jimmy. I'm thinking "CRAP NO WAY!" I look at Taia after he shakes my hand.

We run to the bedroom. I couldn't believe he actually came. I didn't know what to do. I took a guess and grabbed the guitar from the living room and sat down in a corner and began worshiping God. I open my eyes to see he's sitting right in front of me with his eyes closed. My heart skips a beat. I close my eyes and continue and the next thing I know I hear a drumming. It sounds good but I stop and look at him in the eyes. I can see his heart. It's right out there. An amazing man sitting right infront of me. Then he says.

"I know Irene was talking to Newton but I needed an excuse to talk to you."

For the next couple days everything was great. He came around alot and one night as he was leaving I walked him to the door and gave him a hug and he kissed my neck and my knees went weak and an old song popped into my head, "I'm weak in the kneees for you..." I understood it finally.

This is the beginning of a great relationship of love.