:(

Well,

I had a great day today. However it was topped with a little bit of a bummer. I called Jimmy but he was to busy to talk to me. :( I am really hating this. Being so far away feels like I have a fatal round of heartbreak. Everyday I wake up wondering if he will call. Knowing that he loves me so much and yet still hoping that we are poor.

talking about KCC breaks my heart. I have been pushed out of KCC because they say Jimmy was a bad idea. The did not support me from the start. They don't like the idea of meeting the right person on a missions trip...IT'S NOT LIKE I PLANNED THIS! or was ever looking for it on this trip. I was looking for God. I found God. Then God sent me a husband. And KCC did not like the husband. I didn't care. Jimmy was and is sent to me from God. God promised I would find a husband by the end of this year if i would seek him. Well I was busy seeking him and I found Jimmy. I don't understand WHY KCC thinks i went wrong when LOVE was shown and given.

Great part of my day was receiving a phone call from IRENE saying BABY GIRL I'm at Walmart come get me!!! :D She's sitting in my room right now!

Well.

God bless.

quite a little big move

Well I have come to a point in my life when I have said " God, I will go!" and he has chosen me to reach out physically to the poor and hungry. And to the widows and the orphans. To get married is awesome it's certainly what I want. That is the reason I'm going. The sub reasons I am going out weigh the main reason. To bring the hope of the nation Jeasu into every home. 3 months will soon go by quickly as I expect them to. As planned I will leave the country and possibly never return. This as expected is going to be hard, unexpected is the level of difficulty. My heart aches as I see my mother cry. She's so afraid that she will never see me again. I've embraced this painful thought and I hate it. The hug of a mother is far more comforting than that of even the most wonderful husband! In 109 days I will get on a plane and get off 2 days later in what will become my new home for the rest of my life. I am very scared I will admit that but there is not a doubt in my mind about this! To God be the glory and may his will be done in my life!

owned

Today as I sat at work this guy came in and began to talk to me his smell was dirty urine and booz. His eyes were a cool color of green, they were darting around the room as if he were checking out the store yet still stairing at me. He asked me how business was and his breath reeked of alcohol and morning breath. He was wearing three jackets and each of them were dirt. The bottom was a thick sweater and followed by a Jean jacket and on the top layer he wore a filthy, what used to be grey, winter jacket. The man looked into my eyes and talked directly to me. As his eyes continued to meet mine I could feel a spirit of fear enter the room. It made my heart beat faster and my pupils dialate. As soon as the man left I felt a fear in me. Right away I rebuked it! Laughed in it's face and said. Silly spirit of fear... You can't get me like that.... I'm wearing the armor of God! You can't break it it's thicker than the mountains. He's made it unbreakable and unshakable! You just got powned newbcake!

Visions and Dreams

A dream I had last night. It's about a girl from the last school we performed "The Decision" in. This girl was the same girl that I had a prophetic vision for when we were at the school.


It was confusing. She told me to follow her and so i did through the slum and around buildings and through these strange hallways. And then she began to run and we came to a stop at the edge of a stream. She said this is not safe for a mzungu so she took mud from the water and rubbed it all over me and grabbed my hand and we went across the water and there was a wall with glass on the top....
and then she jumped and cut her hands but broke the glass so there was a safe place to climb. We got over the fence and there was a small house and she brought me inside. She told me i was not safe to be there and she hid me....

I was under the table in the corner of the room and I watched as her dad came in and beat her. I sat and cried. I did as i was instructed. And when he left she lay on the floor a broken bottle laying beside her. He was drunk for sure. I said to the girl come i will find you somewhere to stay without this pain. and She grabbed my hand crying, bleeding and bruised. and we opened the door and it was night when we went in. When we left it was so sunny and warm. and green and beautiful. I let her hand god for a second and her hands had no cuts on them anymore and i looked at her face and there were no bruises and she had a smile on her face. Then I woke up.

Struggles

The struggles of the day seem to have a weight on them this November. As I am constantly reminded of the fact that I have but few people to talk to. People that will actually listen instead of starting their own. I am realizing it so much more as today is the 1 year anniversary of me getting help and my mentor and teacher is nowhere to be found. His mistakes cost him his job. Everyone makes mistakes. I believe in the kingdom of god there is FORGIVENESS! Even for the worst of sins. I'm angry, angry because i feel like it's my fault that this happened. Worst of all Angry because i simply never told anyone and because I still can't tell people something that i shouldn't know.

I spent the day in Prayer(at work). I read through psalms I reread psalms 1-10 today. A friend of mine and I are reading through the psalms. I read and reread how GODS mercy endures forever. As I do I constantly preach at the top of my lungs when i'm sitting in my car. Sometimes I'm in a busy parking lot and I look up and people are looking at me strange. :D "what I was made to be the blackest white girl you ever saw."

Pornography Update: Free from porn 1 week. Free from internet sex(with my hunny) 3 hours. :(

God is Good and HIS mercy ENDURES FOREVER!

Strange.

I am not sure of how to feel about this Hannah Montana phone, that my dad bought me today. Actually I can make it my own phone so it doesn't have Hannah anywhere on it but I'm kinda lovin' it!

Things that happened this week have made me realize that God has HIS plans for us. We might have our own plans but it is best if we follow his. I always use this quote to a friend of mine. "If you don't fight, you won't win!" and Just like this quote if you fight the will of God in your life and plans, then you simply will not win that fight.

I don't know where I'm going with this....Nap time.

Waiting

I have a friend that i talk to everyday. She's smart and funny. She's an amazing woman of God. When an onlooker sees her they see beauty and strength. When I hear her speak about God i see a strong woman. However everyone has weakness. This girl has issues relating to her father. Her father is an abuser of power. He see's her as a weak nobody. OH if HE only knew the power this girl was given. His anger and jealousy cause him to yell and scream at her. She rocks back and forth in her room wondering when will the pain stop? She has 2 choices in my opinion. 1. let her dad bully her and eventually be so depressed that she kills either him or herself. 2. pray for HIM. The power of prayer is far greater than any depression or illness known to man. It reaches to the ear of God and is heard by him. Through the past 36 days she has prayed for her father daily. PROUD TO REPORT NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN HIS MOTHER!(for the good OR BAD) :D Even PROUDER TO REPORT EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED IN HER! :D Praise God! Her patience has reached a point of maturity. The way she speaks to people, she has grown more confident. I AM PROUD of HER!

She has taught me a load. How to love my daddy for who he is and enjoy the time i do get to spend with him even if it's just a few minutes everyday! More off, she has taught me that God is the best dad. I might have been the one telling her with my lips but because she needed to hear it God ministered to me also. I LOVE YOU DAD!